Old School - Words of Wisdom

Nov. 2005 -

One of the nice things about being home is being able to hang out with my buddy Derrick. Derrick, much like me, is a foul-mouthed little fucker. Put us together, with help from our friend Jon-Jon, and we can come up with some really wrong shit.
Fortunately, I recorded the true gems on my cell-phone, which is about all it's good for while in roaming down here. I hereby rename Sprint to Sprunt. Fucking Sprunt service.
So, words of wisdom from us.

Me - I wonder if an undead dude could get a hard-on.
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Derrick - I tell you, it was the best man on man rape scene I've ever seen.
Me - What?
Derrick - I meant the funniest, motherfucker.
Me - Right, fucker.
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Derrick - Jon-Jon fucked one of my ex-girlfriends, and then, years later, I fucked her again. I got my own sloppy seconds.
Jon-Jon - Damn right.
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Me - If you're named Bubba you got to be either be badass or, well, die.
Derrick - What's that about?
Me - Well, you ever known anyone named Bubba that's not a badass?
Derrick - Uh, no.
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Derrick - Damn.
Me - The car or the chick's ass.
Derrick - The chick's ass.
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Me (recording on the phone) - Okay, as the semi pulls out in front of us because he's a dumbass redneck hick motherfucker chicken fucking sheep banging motherfucker...
Derrick - Let me do the cursing.
Me - Shut up, motherfucker.
Derrick - Fuck you
Me - Fuck you. Yeah, as Derrick says as we pass the chick and her ass, "The only thing that would look better if my balls were on her" ...wait, what did you say?
Derrick - If my balls were on her chin.
Me - If his balls were on her chin. God, we're foulmouthed motherfuckers and we're going to hell.
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Derrick - Fucked her didn't he? Fucked her with a vibrator up his ass.
Me (recording what he just said) - Oh, god, why did I write this down, or says this. God. Unh.
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Me (recording) - To quote the great sage and imminent dumbass Derrick, "I don't want to see Harry Butthole Pussy Potter." No, you just want to see hairy buttholes and pussy, dumbass.
Derrick - I don't want to see hairy buttholes.
Me - Ah, Jesus. Anything to add, Derrick?
Derrick - No, that's about all. I'm eventually gonna learn to shut the fuck up.
Me - No he's not.
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Me - Why do I keep torturing myself with this shit?
Derrick - If you keep recording this we'll have to own up to it.
Me - I want proof motherfucker. I want proof! Okay, for some reason I decided to say "I'd rather fuck a grill cheese than her, you'd get more out of the grilled cheese." And Derrick comes back with a witty, "Well, you could jack off on a piece of bologna." Break out some braunschwieger or livercheesein there. Get some provolone or a lot of mayonaisse. Or the special mayonaisse if you know what I mean.
Derrick - I think you can provide your own mayonaiise.
Me - An astute compo...what the fuck was I gonna say? Shut up, motherfucker.
Derrick - Fuck off
Me - Fuck off.
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Me - Jesus. To quote Buzz Fuckin' Bunny, "I fucked your mom with a razor dildo because I'm EXTREME!!!"
Derrick - "EXTREME!"
Jon-Jon (who happens to black and proud of it) - White Power!
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Me - Okay, the great sage and imminent Derrick said, "Up north they gotta get roofies to get women, down here in the South we just got stronger alcohol. Pass the moonshine and mason jar."